Expect The Unexpected

Tuesday, January 19, 2016 ||

Earlier, I've read this article from Artparasites about how Tinder and other datings apps kill genuine emotions and vulnerability in dating. I find it interesting so I decided to blog about it.

Mădălina Preda, the writer, talked about how she views men from her perspective. She's attracted to men whose qualities pretty much describe her father who had left her family, as well as those who are similar to her brothers who took upon themselves to take care of her. "Bad, insensitive, hurtful, narcissistic men and the strong, dependable, loving, caring men." And also, being in relationships for the past 8 years, she realized upon observing other people that the culture of honesty, respect, openness and passion that she lived by has become obsolete.

Preda questions how people in 2016 fall in love. From a personal perspective, relationships today are fast-paced and less conservative than ever. There are a lot of factors to consider why and one of them is technology. We can connect more to others who are even 10,000 kilometers away from us. More and more people are taking this as an advantage and resorting to dating apps to search for love. Personally, I was curious before and used some of these apps myself. In the end, I gave up on the idea not only because it's difficult to find serious people there but also, given my personal values and conservative beliefs, meeting someone face to face first is something I'd prefer. Maybe someone who had been a classmate from college, a friend of a friend. Don't get me wrong though. I don't judge people who use these applications. It's their choice, not mine. But for me, love is something that shouldn't be rushed. It's something that can't be attained by merely looking someone's display photo or reading a 140-character description about themselves.

In the age of Tinder, Grindr, Happn, Bumble and many other dating apps that allow people to flip through potential dates like picking socks for the winter season, it seems not only romance has died, but also the respect needed to nurture healthy relationships. Is Tinder a symptom of our self-indulgent, self-absorbed, individualistic, lonely society or has it perpetuated a model in which every human interaction is need-based and transactional?

Love is more than just a feeling; it's a decision. Some fall in love quickly and there's nothing wrong about that as long as it's genuine. We don't have entire control over our emotions but our decision on what to do with them lies in our hands. If I were to enter in a relationship, I prefer it to be slowly but surely. I don't know... maybe I'd fall in love right away if I really really like the person but I'd make sure that I'd have the patience in every decision I make for the relationship to work. Call me old-fashioned but to appreciate someone or something deeply, it requires effort and to show that, you need time.

I also agree with Preda that you have to be more open and honest when it comes to your feelings. Don't suppress it. Be more vulnerable. If you're worried that you might sound too eager or easy to get when you show your true feelings, don't be. It's through being vulnerable we can be at our best to love others because everything is not contrived. Just pure, genuine emotions.

How can one allow themselves to be as vulnerable as you have to be to meet someone truly important in a time when love and sex are simple commodities we exchange based on our needs? What do you give up? What do you change? How do you make it? If it is love – passionate, honest love, you are looking for, is there anywhere you can find it in 2016? When everyone is busy swiping left and right on tinder and seeing what else is out there, there is no time to stop, look and get to know someone. Vulnerability shouldn’t be a weakness, it is only by being vulnerable that we can find and give love. Games, paranoia and deceit alienate us from ourselves and from the ones around us.

At the end of the day, love is all we need. We have our different ways of searching for it but I do hope we do not abandon the culture of openness and vulnerability.

And one more thing: Don't find the right person; be one. :)

Labels: love, relationship, thoughts, tinder

breathed easy at

11:14 PM